Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A Slow Night at Jicky's

Just around the corner from Genre’s place, and under the jaundiced glow of stale yellow neon, the curious wend their way down a flight of granite steps to a basement dive of the oddest sort, a place called Jicky’s where perfume and booze flow in equal measure. Boys in dresses and girls in tuxes, artists and artificers, chorus kids on a late night wind down. They all find their way in eventually. Grim former chanteuses drink absinthe and chartreuse. Smoke hangs in a blue pall a foot from the low ceiling and mixes with the scent of L’heure Bleu, Shalimar, Mitsuoko, and gin.

Above the bar hangs the sign “Abandon All Hope Of Modernity, Ye Who Enter Here”

The hostess leans against the battered upright piano, white tie and tails in disarray as she pokes a desultory finger at her meager poker for pills winnings from earlier in the evening.

“Bad night, baby?” The pianist looks up.

“Sucked donkey nuts, Sam. Got me a couple a xanax but Lala and MG were bogarting the vicodins. And crap, Dana won all my femiron pills out from under me. I’m tired Sam, ain’t had no one of import here lately.”

“You been busy, Lisa babe. Got your business to look after.”

“Thanks Sam.”

“Don’t look now baby, but you got The Company.”


“Aw crap. Evelyn, get your sagging butt up on the stage and sing like I know you still can.” The hostess drags a leathery faded chanteuse away from her chartreuse and props her in front of the mike.

“Sing it yourself bitch.” Evelyn adjusts her feather boa and pulls up her opera gloves.

“I’m tone deaf. And you can have my chorus boys” At Evelyn’s grudging assent, she grabs several from their table in the back before turning to her trusty pianist. “Play it Sam, play it for Her.”

”You got it sweetheart”


You’re The Snark! You’re George Clooney’s girl,
You’re The Snark! You’ve got wisdom’s pearls,
You’ve a pail of gin from the nearest liquor store,
You're Phyllis Diller,
An alien killer,
You're on the floor!

You're the Hudson! You’re the Chrysler Building,
You're the wit, sharp as a bee sting!
I'm a worthless hack, can’t write jack, in the dark!
But if I’m a serial scrubber,
You’re The Snark!

You’re The Snark, you’ve a crap-o-meter,
You’re The Snark! There’s no one neater,
You're the sapphire blue of a bottle of Bombay,
You're the perfect galley, you're Dan Brown's salary,
You're Tanqueray!

You're the lime, in my gin and tonic
You’re the toe, of a Manolo Blahnik
I'm a Rabbitanian writing on a lark;
But If I’m a serial scrubber, You’re The Snark!

"Play it again, Sam, from the top."

”You got it sweetheart”

You’re The Snark, you’re a bottle of Boodles
You’re The Snark, you’re so kind to poodles
You're the classic lines of a William Morris chair
You're a blogging drama, you're a red-hot mama, you're debonair

You're the prose, of a Booker winner
You're the ems, of the finest printer.
I'm an alien dropper who hasn’t made a mark
But If I’m a serial scrubber,
You’re The Snark!


"Think She liked it,Sam?"

"Can't say baby, but she's having a grand time with the bottle of Junipero and the leftover chorus boys."

"Gotta get busy, Sam. Looks like E. Ann might want to look at the backroom stash of inflatables."

64 Comments:

At 1:47 PM, Blogger M. G. Tarquini said...

Where'd you get a name like Jicky's?

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger Lisa S. said...

old old perfume....one of the oldest around.

 
At 2:48 PM, Blogger E. Ann Bardawill said...

This is hilarious!

I'm so tempted to join in, but I HAVE TO GET MY TAXES IN!!!

**whimpers**

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Dana Y. T. Lin said...

You all must stop before Bardawill gets audited!

Great stuff, Lisa. You're the bomb.

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger James Goodman said...

You ladies are killing me with these odes to mighty Miss Snark. :D I'm sure I've gathered several new wrinkles from all the smiles and laughs you ladies have provided today.

 
At 6:32 PM, Blogger Lisa S. said...

Thanks James. And those are the best sort of "wrinkles" which I prefer to call "life lines".

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Miss Snark said...

You all are too too much.
Really.
I think I may be evicted if I keep screaming with laughter like this. (Yes, you CAN be evicted from an apartment you own in NYC!!)

I love this.

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger M. G. Tarquini said...

Don't worry about being evicted, Miss Snark. We'll show up with picket signs, cause an incident, call it an obvious case of humor discrimination. We'll have you right as rain in no time.

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger Lisa S. said...

I'm just tickled to be entertaining you ma'am. I lurk & lern bunches from your blog. I just don't always say a heck of alot.

And if they try to evict, as MG says, it's an equal housing opportunity issue. Sorta like what I'm trying to do with the landlord who doesn't want to renew my lease on the archetypal garret.

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger Lady M said...

I think I'm in love with Sam and the Hostess.

That's fabulous imagery of a saloon in modern times and so vivid in my imagination.

:P

I am enjoying the Snark Rounds. Best set of Blogging this week!

Lady M

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger Lisa S. said...

Thanks so much Lady M. Your words & encouragement are most appreciated

This is one of the great things about having my fellow Bunions around; we nudge and prod each other to get to the point where we can do the "turn on a dime" sort of writing when the inspiration hits.

And you're welcome at Jicky's anytime, just knock three times and tell them you were sent by Joe.

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger Bernita said...

Does Jicky's have a Green Door?
Honestly, Lisa, this is delicious!

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger S. R. Hatcher said...

You guys are provding me with a much needed comical diversion to...........taxes.

Love it.......

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Adam Hurtubise said...

Oh... My... God!

I had to replace a monitor with Dana's ode. Then another with Mindy's and now I've had to do it again.

Tell Miss Snark if she gets evicted, I used to be a lawyer and my bar membership is still active.

Adam

 
At 9:25 PM, Blogger Bonnie Calhoun said...

Bar membership????In Jicky's??! LOL

This is great. I bet you could all put these together and turn it into a book!

 
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